Contents

Introduction … xi
*Parenting IS Insanity *They Never Told Me

Chapter One … 1
Toddlers – The Daily Unraveling of Sanity

*Good-bye Mattel & Company *The Great and Naked Houdini & His Assistant *Climb Every Mountain *Love Hurts   *The Meaning of No and Other Worthless Commands That Toddlers Ignore *Toddler-proofing In The New Millennium *Justice and The Wee Ones *Forget Abu Ghraib, Use Toddlers   *The Wonder of Children *The Tale of The Skeenky Hepper *Welcome To The Television Zone *I'm A Mean Mommy, Yes I Am *My Little Evil Genius *Unexpected Silly Moments

Chapter Two … 43
Older Kids - My Sanity Is Being Held Hostage

*Talent Overflowing At This House *Where's The Briefs? *Time To Talk About IBS *My Kids Are Liars? No! *Mysteries of The Laundry Pile *Summer Vacation Fun *Phone High Jinks *Three Sounds That Make A Mom Run

Chapter Three … 69
Out In Public - What Was I Thinking!?

*Divide and Conquer *How To Make Your Toddler Possessed *I'll Show You *A Run-in With The Parent Police *Stupidity, The Bane of All Parents *These Boots Were Made For Shopping * When Visiting With Little Ones

Chapter Four … 95
Negotiations - What Experts Call Parenting

*Who Wants A Cookie *Why Do I Even Bother? *Television 5, Mom 1 *Time Outs Are Negative *Subliminal Parenting *Glass of Water For A Drowning Mom *House Full of Sorry Heads *Please Say Please

Chapter Five … 125
Going Over The Edge - Nailing The Door Shut on The Padded Room

*Children, Television & Video Games *Kid Magnets *No Time For Tears *The Mother of All Complaints *Out of The Mouth's of Parents *The Bad Hair Day *The Agony of Raising Children

Chapter Six … 149
Mental & Physical Health - Last But Not Least

*A Mom's New Year's Resolution *Senior Moments *Twelve Steps For Parents *An Untimely Terrible Infection *If You See My Get Up And Go...Tell Me Where it Went! *Weight Games *Exercising With Toddlers *Exercise? Me? *Five Pounds of Chocolate Converts To...What!?! *Momma Cow *Burn Fat At Night *Strong Like A Woman

Conclusion … 189
*Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane…Doesn’t Mean You Are A Bad Parent!

About The Author … 195